Self love has become a bit of a buzzword of late. We’re told to go on a run, have a bubble bath, drink a green smoothie and say our affirmations all in an act of self care. While these practices can be powerful for our physical or mental health, how far do they go to teaching us about real self love?

I believe self love goes beyond simple self care acts. Instead it’s a mindset and a routine. It’s giving ourselves a break, changing our view of the world and ourselves and letting go.

Let’s turn Valentine’s Day around and make it about self love. We’re all stuck in lockdown anyway, so we may as well use that time to shower ourselves with love.. If you have a partner, encourage them to join too! It’s less about quick changes and more about a long term development within yourself. The first step is knowing that you’re worth the time and energy to start taking care of you.

rest

Rest is so underrated as an act of self care. Rest can be productive, it can be an act of resistance, it can save you from burnout. If you aren’t already regularly resting, make today the first of many where you allow your body and mind to relax. Make sure you’re giving yourself enough time to sleep by going to bed earlier and switching off your phone. If you’ve had a stressful day, allow yourself to properly wind down in the evening. Take the weekends off if you’re self employed or working from home. Allow an hour a day to do exactly what you want to do. Rest, rest and rest again, until rest is such a fundamental part of your routine that it’s non-negotiable.

2. listen to your heart

As cheesy as this is, don’t forget to listen to your heart. Your intuition is powerful. We all have an instinct about a situation, a feeling or a decision. But so often we choose to ignore it. We ignore it so much that it becomes faint. So the next time you hit a crossroads, sit with yourself and meditate on your inner voice. What is it telling you? Allow it to speak up. Listen to what you want and need. Today, think of a situation or decision you’ve been struggling with, go inwards and find your answer.

3. develop a self care routine

I love myself a routine. A morning routine, evening routine, workout routine, skincare routine; you name it! These routines keep me grounded and, esepcially during lockdown, from going out of my mind. Repetition of these tasks each and every day, no matter what is happening in the world or in your life, is an act of self care. When they become non-negotiable parts of your day, they give you the support to deal with whatever is thrown at you that day.

4. let go off limiting ideas about relationships

We have all romanticised relationships before. Movies and TV do a good job of creating an image of the perfect relationship that makes our own seem to pail in comparison. In reality, romantic or platonic relationship aren’t without their faults. But on the flip side, no romantic or platonic relationship should be tolerated if its faults are far outweighing any benefits. There will always be times in any loving relationship, be it with a life partner or friendship or family member, that you will face tough challenges that will leave you feeling lost. Relationships are hard and they require commitment and understanding on both sides. They also require enough self love to know when they aren’t making us happy or when the other person is taking advantage. Let go of the limiting ideas you have in your head that stop you from developing meaningful friendships, or having a long-term partner. Work through things with people who want to work through it. Let go of people who want to give up on you.

5. separate your inner critic from your real inner voice

Everyone has that nasty voice in their head that likes to pop up at the most opportune times to kick ourselves while we’re down. “My body look weird”, “You didn’t do a very good job with that essay”, “What you said earlier was so stupid, why would you say that”, “Nobody really likes you”, “You’re not even that good at your passion”. Sound familiar? Give that inner voice a name. A name you dislike. And every time it pops back up, remember that it is just a voice. You can listen to it and simply reply “My body isn’t weird”, “I put lots of effort into that essay so I will keep trying”, “What I said wasn’t that bad, and nobody would have noticed”, “I have lots of people who like me in my life”. “I am good at my passion because it’s my passion and I love it”. Remind that voice that you have everything taken care of. Don’t give that voice a chance to be right by making sure you’re taking care of you!

6.celebrate yourself

When you achieve something, make sure to celebrate! Big life events such as graduating or getting a job or having a baby, we all know how to celebrate. But what about the smaller things? Celebrate the fact you exercised when you haven’t in ages. Celebrate having the confidence to speak up. Celebrate how good you look today. Celebrate opening up to a friend about the struggles you’ve been going through. Acknowledge when you’ve done something great, no matter how big or small. Tell somebody about this success, write it down and reflect upon it.

7. reach out to others when you need help

A task I still struggle with is reaching out when I need help. We far too often think others don’t want to be bothered by our problems; that they have their own. We’re fine, we don’t need help. We can manage on our own. It’s embarrassing and they won’t understand. But what I can promise you is that everyone is facing the struggle of living and being human. Don’t suffer alone, and don’t expect to always be able to pick yourself up time and time again by yourself. Use your network to ask for help when you need it. You’d be there for your loved ones if they needed you. So they’ll be there for you.

8. organise your life

Disorganisation in our day-to-day life can be a sign of disorganisation in our heads. Feeling stressed and chaotic? It might be down to a lack of organisation. Find a way to organise your life down to to-do lists, time blocking, routines, decluttering and boundaries. Physical or mental, get organising and find a system that stops you from being pushed beyond your limit.

9. allow yourself to be you

Do you really love watching reality TV but are embarrassed because others say its trashy? Are you having feelings for the same gender but are worried your family won’t be understanding? Do you love dressing a certain way but are afraid others will judge you? A lot of this is about finding confidence in yourself and allowing yourself to be who you are.

10. be sad if you need to be sad

Toxic positivity can be a dangerous thing. Sometimes forcing ourselves to be positive actually suppresses real emotions that we need to feel. Self love doesn’t mean putting on a brave face and pretending to love yourself. You can be sad and have zero confidence and still practice self love. Don’t try and suppress your emotions in the pursuit of self love. Have that cry! Tell someone how you’re feeling! Let it all out in a journal! Feel all the feels.

11. discover your happy place

We all have somewhere that immediately brings us happiness; at home cuddled up with a hot water bottle and our cat; on holiday lounging by the pool reading a great book; with friends at the pub laughing about your favourite past times; on a walk alone in nature. Discover the places that make you the happiest, and visit them often!

12. forgive and let go

I’m not just talking about forgiving others, but forgiving yourself also. Holding a grudge is like giving up rent for free in your head. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, and move on. Forgive that person who did you wrong, and move on. Write out a letter of forgiveness to yourself, or to a person who is no longer in your life. Offer your forgiveness and let it go.

13. write down your dream life and go after it

There is nothing quite like some manifestation as a form of self love. If you could imagine your dream life, what would it look like? Is there a way you can imagine bringing these things into your life? Get specific about the finer details of your life. Write a long list, a plan, create a mood board and visualise everything you’d want out of life. This is a powerful step towards making this happen. Chasing your dream is one of the biggest acts of self love out there.

14. dont expect perfection

I wanted to finish this list off with perfectionism. I have struggled with an all or nothing attitude for years. I always begin new healthy habits thinking that I need to execute them perfectly. And you can guess where that leaves me. Learning how to love yourself absolutely cannot be a perfect exerpience. Perfect doesn’t exist. Practicing self love and improving your confidence won’t happen overnight, there will be hiccups along the way and the journey will inevitably be up and down. So throw perfect in the bin, and embrace the imperfections of the journey.

I hope that this has helped you on your path to a greater understanding of yourself and how to show your body and mind the love it deserves. It’s been a tough year and we could all do with being that extra bit more gentle with ourselves as we navigate these difficult times. Don’t forget that there are always people out there willing to help, whether it’s a friend, family member, neighbour or healthcare professional. You don’t have to live with feelings of depression, anxiety and loneliness alone. Show yourself love in the biggest form possible, and get help when you need it.

Links & Resources

Mind | Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems. 0300 123 3393 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm)

Samaritans | Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair. 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)

NHS Talking Therapies | How to access talking therapies through the NHS.

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy |Professional association for members of the counselling professions in the UK. Find a registered therapist in their register.